Stage is empty but for a table and single office style chair with the seat pushed under the table.
(The Woman enters stage left, looking off to the side. She is wearing a Navy pantsuit, sensible heels and carrying a women’s stylish work bag. Her hair is blown out. She is in her 50’s)
(Looks offstage) Ok…thank you.
I’ll just wait right here until you come for me. After all – I have nowhere else to go, amiright?? (Nervously laughs, Smiles at “person” off stage ) Thanks again. No, I don’t mind if you close the door. (The Woman pulls out the chair, sits down and clasps her hands and rests them on the table. She closes her eyes and visibly breathes in and out. She waits a beat and then opens eyes, gets up from the chair and walks up to the front of the stage to address the audience – gesturing behind to the chair.)
I’m sitting over there and I’m meditating because I’m really nervous. In my head right now, I am reviewing images in my life like a movie montage – my career life, that is. Every single moment that led to this one. I’m waiting for an interview. Not just AN interview, but THE interview. The interview of my lifetime. For The Job. The Job that everyone wants. It’s a stepping stone to bigger and better things. I have worked for over twenty years for this. See – I am an Assistant right now. Well, really, I’m a great Assistant. Everyone says so. Always anticipating needs. Always understanding exactly what must be done to pull off a project. When it comes to running things, there’s really not much of a difference between me and the boss. Except, of course, about $50,000 in salary. And a better parking space. And an office with natural light from actual windows. But I have put in twenty years and I am now ready to be the boss. So, so, so ready. For about ten of these years I have seen people who don’t know as much as I do get The Interview and then get The Job. And then, (voice gets high pitched) I have to teach that person how to do The Job! (Says in a too-bright tone) But I’m not bitter – not today, anyway!
I have applied for the Job about eight times in the past five years. I kept knocking on that door of opportunity but no one answered until now. It’s like that guy you try to get to notice you and he just keeps on asking out only the shallow girls who know how to perfectly apply cat eye eyeliner. But today, it’s my turn for a date. ( Pauses, musing) In that metaphor, I’m obsessed with a guy who only likes shallow women and then I’m happy that I am finally shallow enough to get his attention (Pause)...let’s put a pin in that metaphor for a moment, shall we?
I have been preparing for at least ten days for this interview. Just last night I spoke with someone who had this interview in the past to learn about what’s about to happen. I know that I will be sitting in this room (gestures to the stage) for 10-15 minutes before that intern who just left will knock on the door and bring me into the interview room. I know that there will be at least 7 middle aged white men in that room and, if I’m lucky, maybe one white woman. They will pepper me with questions for 20 minutes. I must be friendly with them, but not too familiar. I must show that I’m grateful to be here but I can’t be too excited about it. I heard that one guy didn’t get The Job because he went around the table and shook everyone’s hands. It’s that kind of blunder that can kill your opportunity. I will not be touching anyone unnecessarily – unless, of course, they want me to. ( Pause) Professionally, I mean. (Pause)
I have Googled how to prepare for important job interviews and I have adopted many of the practices contained in the countless blogs posted by people who claim to be life coaches. For example, I listened only to positive music on my drive here. I got so into the playlist that I missed an exit on the highway which added 15 minutes to my drive but I had calculated my schedule to be flexible for unknown commuting contingencies and still arrived with 15 minutes to spare. And then, as suggested by another blog, I sat in my car and (pause) ate a banana. Yes, I did that! It’s something about potassium, OK? There’s something magical about eating a banana before a job interview and I am not taking anything for granted. (Says a little too passionately) I. Want. Banana-Magic.
(Pauses and takes a breath) Do you like my Navy suit? I just bought it – along with this blouse, shoes and that fashionable work bag. The Business Journal says that Navy is a power color that says “I’m a take-charge person”. I got a manicure yesterday (Wiggles fingers) The color is “unobtrusive yet capable pink”. Let’s be honest. As a woman, it’s not just my resume that’s going be assessed. It’s (Gesturing up and down the body) the whole package. So I also left work early today to get a blow out. My hair is actually wavy-frizzy-curly, which is completely unacceptable. The inability to control my unruly hair clearly sends a message that I cannot control people. That is a fact! This is the kind of thing that I, as a woman, have to think about. Anyway, my regular stylist wasn’t working so I went to someone new. She asked me if I wanted a little curl at the ends. I said sure, thinking it would show a depth of character. I ended up looking like I just walked off the set of Hee Haw. I went home and fingered brushed the hell out of it. (Pointing back to the chair) Look at me – there’s still a little flippy thing going on the front right side, but it looks OK, right? (Looks at the audience with uncertainty) You think it’s ok? Yeah, yeah…me, too. It’s fine. (Smiling too brightly.) Of course, I gave a great tip. I can’t afford to generate any bad mojo today. And stiffing a well-meaning stylist is just the kind of thing the universe seeks retribution for. Well, if the universe is looking over here, it will see that that certain hair stylist can feed filet mignon to a family of four tonight. (Assumes a big voice and looks and points upwards) Take your long arm of payback somewhere else, universe (Pause at realization of possibly pissing off the universe)…please.
(Looks back at the chair) I can see that I’m starting to lose concentration in my meditation. I’m feeling doubts move in. I’m starting to see what I haven’t done all these years in my career. All the networking meetings I didn’t go to. All the times I wasn’t able to stay late to work on projects. Because of my family, you see. I have a husband and a couple of kids. I have obligations at home, too. We tag team, my husband and I, with the childcare situation, but it’s not easy to do everything. Boy, kids can sure get sick a lot and burn up your sick days at work. Daycare and school will call right away when a kid’s temperature goes up just a teeny bit. Even if you timed a morning Tylenol dose to give you four hours at work, sometimes it just doesn’t…what?!? (Puts hands on her hips) Don’t look at me like that! We’ve ALL given our kids a morning shot of Tylenol so that we can make an appearance at work! (Takes a breath and looks up at the universe) I’m not looking to start anything here, what I’m saying is that having a family really divides your attention. Basketball practice, my turn to make dinner, last minute trips to the craft store to get the materials for a class project – these things all happen right after work. So I can’t stay late. I have to get home. (Takes a sarcastic tone) As they say – we women are the CEO’s of our families! God – that sounds like such peppy bullshit – but it’s true.
It seems that men have so much more space than women in their mental psyche to focus on work. They’re not planning the birthday parties or running around at holiday time making sure we have enough presents and food. At lunchtime – they actually go out to eat, and don’t run errands like women do. They’re not thinking about whether the suit we bought for our son for a wedding last year will fit for this year’s semi-formal dance. We do that. We women take care of stuff like that. Men in the office talk about spending their weekends playing golf with that guy who runs that big account or coaching baseball teams together. Women spend weekends making sure the groceries are bought and that there’s a path through the clutter in the house. And the reality is – you can’t network in the produce department of the supermarket.
But hey! I see the millennial women demanding opportunities and they are getting them!! It takes my breath away how they just burst onto the workplace with such gusto! Good on you, I say! When I was that age, I didn’t have that confidence. Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, there wasn’t a lot of “girl power” happening. We knew we had to work hard to get to the same place as men but (Fake laughing) we actually thought the playing field was level! Then I saw man after man got The Interview and then The Job, and I learned that the field wasn’t really level. And of course, I had a family by then so my attention was divided. I made the choice to stay an Assistant. It was a job I’ve been good at and it allowed me to multitask with my (Sarcastic air quotes) “family CEO responsibilities”. But these millennial women, boy, they’re going for it! And I have been there for them! That is, until a couple of them got The Interview and then they got The Job with only a few years in the industry. (Pause) Now I realize that it’s not just that I’m a woman, but it’s that I’m a middle aged woman. Opportunity may have passed me by. Did I stay an Assistant too long? Should I have insisted that my husband do more at home so I could do more at work? Would I have been OK with not being there to help with the class projects? (Shakes head and take a long pause while thinking about it. Sighs.) Oh, God – this is becoming very Virginia Woolf meets Death of a Salesman. (Looks back) Look – I’m getting that worry line in my brow! (Gestures to brow) The brow line ruins the whole look!
Y’know, I honestly thought that if I worked really hard, I would be noticed because my hard work would speak for itself. But that’s not how the world works, is it? It’s who you know, not what you know. And it’s a confidence game. I’ve seen it time and time again – you probably have too. Someone does a mediocre job and acts like they’ve done something amazing – and people believe it! So many times, I’ll stand in the back of the room watching the presentation and think, “you’ve got to be kidding me!” But they’re not kidding me! Then a lot of them get The Interview and then some of them get The Job. And I haven’t left the back of the room. It’s taken me a long time to see that it’s going to take more than my hard work to get me out of the back of the room.
And you know what? All those experiences I had raising kids has taught me a lot about management. I know how motivate someone by either cookies or a timeout. I can tell when someone has had enough and needs a break. I know when people aren’t playing well together. Because, really, that stuff doesn’t change when you get older. Substitute comp time for cookies and you know what I’m talking about! And these abilities, dammit, have value!!
But I think there’s something to be learned from these men and millenials. Neither of them have waited to be noticed like I have. They just blunder forward. I need to do that, too. Especially since, frankly, I know more about The Job than anybody else. I’m blundering forward. Right now. I’m going to show that I want it and that I have what it takes to do it. (Looks determined and breathes) That actually feels good to say: I want it and I have what it takes to do it. I WANT IT AND I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO DO IT! (Looks behind and then looks at the audience with a smug face) The worry line is gone. And as for everyone who thinks that I’m too old or too soft for the Job? They can just kiss my…
(There’s a knocking sound. Turns and looks at off stage “door”) Oh…
(Goes back, sits down in the chair, with clasped hands on table and closed eyes and then opens them. Looks at offstage “door”) Sure – c’mon in. Hi. Yes, I’m ready…(Stands with confidence and looks at audience) Let’s. Go.